


god should have made girls lethal

by kathillards



Series: diamonds in the sky [6]
Category: Kamen Rider Gaim
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-28
Updated: 2017-10-28
Packaged: 2019-01-25 12:02:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12530884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kathillards/pseuds/kathillards
Summary: Power corrupts, but Mai won't let it. Helheim lives in her now. —- (Mai eats the golden fruit. Nobody ever said being a goddess was easy.)





	god should have made girls lethal

**Author's Note:**

> for week of toku ladies, day four. free day prompt, so i went back to my best beloved girl and yet another way gaim could have ended. pairings if you squint but mostly just friendshippy. also definitely symptoms of mental illness in here, so be careful.

_god should have made girls lethal  
when he made monsters of men_

—- elisabeth hewer

 

.

When she eats the fruit, there’s a burst of golden light, and then nothing.

She’s not sure what she’d expected. A choir, maybe, or a big bang. Something, anything to tell her she’d made the right choice. But all that happens is her world glows golden, burning, blinding, impossibly golden, and the battlefield and the boys melt away, and then she is left in the ashes and the aftermath.

_Who won?_

Words won’t come, but the thought echoes out around her. She’s standing alone in a place that was once a forest and now is only dust. Small, yellow flowers peek out of the ground, blossoms barely starting to unfold.

 _No one_ , answers a voice from within her. _Nobody won the fruit because you ate it._

Mai jumps and looks down. The white dress is gone. Her warrior goddess boots replaced by her old sneakers. She’s wearing her normal clothes, and when she touches her hair, it is in dark curls instead of blonde.

 _What happened_?

 _You ate the fruit_. The voice seems annoyed now, booming around her. She wonders if it’s Sagara. No—if it’s the forest itself. _You killed Helheim._

And then Helheim tries its best to kill her from the inside out.

.

“Mai!”

Someone is screaming her name. Warmth—warm hands on her face. Cradling her cheeks. More hands on her shoulders, shaking. Two arms loop around her, lift her up.

She opens her eyes to a blue, blue sky.

“Mai,” breathes Kaito.

She looks up, then down. He’s the one carrying her; Kouta is on her other side, hands on her shoulders. There’s nobody else—just them and the forest.

The forest.

She screams.

.

“It’s like she exploded—”

“Just vines _everywhere_ —”

“There was so much light, I don’t know where it came from—”

“Is she alive?”

“…Are any of us alive?”

.

She wakes up shivering. Everything is so, so cold. The stars—the stars are gone from the sky. Someone is holding her, but it doesn’t matter, not when she can see so far into the distance, she may as well be on the moon.

“Mai,” whispers Kaito, stirring in his sleep.

She sits up, terrified. Not of him, for him. In her mind’s eye, she can see him fall—a spear through his body, his armor melting, leaving behind only a boy. The scar glowing green on his arm. Kouta holding him in his last moments.

“You’re alive,” Mai murmurs, pressing a hand to his face. He wakes up with a jolt, eyes wide. Belatedly, she realizes his skin is burning—no, that’s not right. Her skin is freezing. That’s why he jumped.

“ _You’re_ alive,” Kaito says after a moment of silence. “You’re—oh, god, Mai.”

He scrambles up and crushes her to his chest, and every point they touch feels like a different atomic element. Mai’s shaking when he pulls back to look at her, his gaze going sharp and keen when he notices what’s wrong.

“You’re cold.”

Mai opens her mouth to tell him that she’s not cold, it’s the rest of the world that’s too hot, too much, all the warmth pressing in on her, a forest curling around her and entwining her in tree branches until she’s choking—

She’s not cold, she realizes when Kaito touches two fingers to her cheek. He trails them down to her neck, finding her pulse point and she’s on fire.

Inside her, the forest feels like it’s going to explode.

.

Rica braids her hair in the garage. The two of them are alone, the lights flickering around them. Mai has her knees pulled up to her chest, covered in a blanket she has to fight the urge to throw off. Her skin simmers with heat and cold at the same time.

“Your hair’s still soft,” Rica says wonderingly, spinning a long, dark curl between her fingers.

Mai touches it self-consciously. “It used to be blonde.”

Rica hums under her breath and twists the curl into her braid. “When you were a goddess?”

Just the sound of the word makes her heart constrict. Vines and vines. Her vision swims with forests and stone and terrible, dreadful creatures. Glowing red eyes. The dust of the battlefield flutters around her on invisible winds.

“Sorry,” Rica says, her voice going high-pitched with alarm. “I didn’t mean to—”

It takes Mai a minute to realize she’s starting to glow.

.

They think she can’t hear them, but their voices are pounding in her head.

“We have to do something.” Kaito, serious and angry, all his rage still bubbling beneath the surface. She feels a flash of guilt—should she have let him play it out? Go to his death like a warrior?

She’d taken his choice for her own. Kouta’s, too.

“I don’t know what to do.” Kouta sounds miserable, defeated. “Ryoma Sengoku is dead.” Kaito winces. “The other scientists don’t know what’s happening. Takatora is…”

Floating on the edge between life and death. He doesn’t finish his sentence.

“She needs help.” Kaito’s tone brooks no argument. She can hear him starting to pace. “Something went seriously wrong back there—we’re both alive, but she feels like she’s dying.”

The opposite of dying. But her mouth won’t work to tell him that. He thinks she’s asleep, but she hasn’t slept in days.

“Sometimes…” Kouta swallows, voice dropping low. “Sometimes I look at her, and I don’t even know if it’s Mai anymore.”

.

Mai tugs her coat tighter around herself. The streets of Zawame are chilly and full of secrets, even though they’re mapped out on her heart. Her head is spinning, but the lights lead her to where she wants to go.

The hospital looms above her. She presses a hand to the door handle and it wilts under her touch.

Her breathing goes shallow. Is this what it means to be a god? The city bends itself to her will. It itches at her; she remembers loving the city, not having it love her.

She pushes her way in and her feet lead her, unthinkingly, to the right room. Takatora Kureshima lays in a bed, his hair damp and dark on his forehead, eyes closed and body still. His skin is the color of the moon, deathly pale.

Mai hesitates. A thousand moons burn in her mind.

She reaches out and touches his forehead. Her palm glows golden and all of her skin seems to itch. Just below the surface, she can feel vines struggling against her skin, reaching for Takatora, trying to swallow him whole.

 _No_. Mai tugs them back, her body shivering with the effort. She doesn’t move her hand from his head. _You belong to me. Don’t touch him._

The vines are restless and ruthless, but she knows she can’t loose them, not tonight—she has to prove she can do this. To herself, to the burning within her, to the gods that mocked her when she swallowed the fruit.

Takatora’s eyes open, slowly. The vines are still too much, too close, inching forward so they can grab him and choke him out—

 _No!_ With a violent pull, Mai flings herself back and away from him. Her hand is still glowing, still hurts. Like she touched fire with her bare skin.

She gets to her feet and peers over the bed. Takatora’s eyes are closed again, but his chest is rising and falling. Breathing again. Color seeps back into his skin.

 _You did this_ , snarls the forest. _There is no power without consequence. Without cost._

 _I did it to help._ Mai presses her hands over her ears, as if that’ll stop the voices, and runs out of the hospital.

She makes it halfway to the garage before collapsing.

.

The forest is angry with her. It is furious, raging and burning, ready to light itself on fire just to torture her. Mai wakes up five times and each time, she screams. It’s less painful in the dark, in the depths of her mind. Colder, but at least the ice keeps the monsters at bay.

The sixth time she wakes up, someone’s hand squeezes hers, and the scream dies in her throat.

“Micchy,” she breathes. Weakly, she lifts her free hand towards him. His face is so close, yet so distant. Too far away—everything is too far away.

“Mai,” he says, and takes her other hand, curling their fingers up together. His skin is cold, damp with sweat, and he’s shaking as he kneels over her bedside. “You’re awake—how are you?”

_Kill him._

“No!” Mai screams, her voice wrenched out of her. Micchy jumps, but he doesn’t let go of her hands, holding on tight—too tight, but it helps, giving her something to focus on. The forest is angry, the forest wants payment, the forest wants blood—

_Blood of the man you saved. Life for a life. Kin for kin. Killer for the killed._

It claws inside her, trying to get to him. Mai screams again, writhing on her bed. Vines threaten to burst from her chest, reaching with twisted, tangling fingers for everyone around her. She barely even notices Micchy yelling her name, the commotion outside, people bursting into the room.

All she can think is: _save him save him save him._

Two hands grasp her arms and shove her violently away from Micchy, ripping the connection of their hands. She gasps, her whole body shuddering, and looks up to see Kaito standing over her, his face drawn in lines of terror.

Mai crumples in his arms, all the fight gone in an instant, and he catches her, holds her to his chest. She can hear his heart beating wild and furious under her, can hear her own heart racing as the vines sink back down into her skin.

“What happened?” Kaito hisses, aimed at Micchy.

“I don’t—” Micchy is shaking, she can tell, the fear and confusion building in his voice. “I don’t know—she woke up and then she started screaming and glowing and I—I tried to help—”

“ _How_?”

“Kaito,” says Kouta warningly. Mai hadn’t seen him come in. Kaito makes a dissenting noise, but quiets down, his arms tightening around her.

“I don’t know,” Micchy babbles. “I don’t know I don’t know—I don’t know what’s happening to her. It’s like she’s fighting with herself.”

Mai lets out a quiet sob. The whole room goes dead silent.

.

She goes to the shrine. The tree they’ve planted is still a baby, still just growing, but it’s a start. It’s the only place she feels quiet inside, the only place to escape. The forest can’t fight her here, not at the heart of who it is—of who she is.

She wishes she could remember the dance.

 _It’s like this_ , says a soft voice inside her. Her feet move. She lifts one arm, then the other, sways and spins around. The memories come back to her, unraveling like a ball of yarn, warm without being burning. The grass is light and ticklish under her bare feet; above her, the skies are as blue as a painting.

It’s the first time she can remember feeling happy since she ate the fruit.

.

“Thank you,” says Takatora Kureshima, solemn before her. “For saving me.”

He stands tall as a pillar, still stiff but so very alive. A thrum goes through her, remembering the giving of life, the way the energy surged out of her hand and into his body.

Kouta nudges her. Mai looks up and smiles.

“Anytime,” she says, and something hisses inside her: _Who are you to promise such things how dare you give your power away to the weak and unworthy he should have died he should have—_

“I want to help,” Takatora says, trading a glance with Kouta. “What’s happening to you—it’s unlike anything we’ve ever seen. And every trace of Helheim is gone from the city, except for in you.”

Mai presses a hand to her chest and it comes away golden. “That’s because it’s in me,” she murmurs. Takatora’s eyes widen. “Because I ate it.”

“You can’t—” He starts to protest, but Kouta clears his throat. “I mean. We can run some tests, if you’d be willing to come in. Nothing invasive, just… to make sure you’re still… you.”

 _I’m not_. But she nods anyway.

.

“Are you gonna be okay?”

“You’ve asked me that five times today,” Mai says, readjusting her seat on the hospital bed. Kaito flushes but doesn’t move from her side. At the doorway, Kouta lingers, watching like a guardian angel.

“If they do anything to you…”

“You’ll kill them,” Mai suggests. Kaito looks away. “They won’t do anything. You know they’re too scared.”

“Last time we let you in Yggdrasil, you were murdered,” Kaito mutters.

Mai presses his hand. “Ryoma Sengoku is dead,” she reminds him. “They can’t kill me twice.”

“You don’t know that.”

But she does. Yggdrasil can no more touch her than an ant can topple a human. She lies down on the bed and waits for the doctor to come in. Kaito and Kouta don’t leave her side the entire time.

.

She sits in the garage and braids Rica’s hair as Chucky and Rat dance. The music is bright and bouncy and it makes her feel calm. There’s nobody else around.

“Are you feeling better?” Rica asks gently. They’re all still so nervous around her, but they don’t leave her. They revolve around her like a solar system. Like moons.

“I will,” Mai promises her. It’s not quite true, but some things don’t need to be true to be spoken. She brushes Rica’s hair back and ties the braid down into a knot at the end. “There, now we—”

The door swings open. Zack and Peco come in, Baron coats swinging, smiling and waving. Chucky and Rat stop dancing to jump and say hi.

Mai’s heart drops, then skids. The forest inside her takes a breath and then starts to scream.

She’s gotten better at controlling it now. Nobody sees her go reeling back, her breath catching dry. Not until Zack looks up and his eyes widen at whatever he sees on her face.

 _No_ , Mai thinks desperately, curling a hand around her throat to ease the pressure inside, the scratching of the vines. _No, not him. Not here. You can’t have him._

 _Silly girl_ , laughs the forests, and stretches out.

“Zack, run!” she screams. He doesn’t run, except forward to catch her when she falls. “No—no, you have to—it’s trying to kill you—”

“Mai,” says Rica, and her hands are warm, so warm. “It’s okay, it’s okay. Look at me, just at me. Just look.”

She’s shaking but she turns her gaze to Rica instead of Zack. Behind her, Chucky and Rat’s faces swim at the edges of her vision, all three full of concern—full of light. She reaches for them, and Zack keeps her upright until she can touch Chucky’s hand.

“Come on,” Peco says from somewhere near Zack. “Come on, let’s lie down. It’s gonna be okay.”

The forest snarls in confusion. Mai shivers as Zack lifts her up and carries her over to a bed. _Why are they staying? Why are they helping? Why aren’t they running in fear, like the cowards they are?_

 _They’re not cowards._ It’s her own voice, her oldest voice, steady and soft and certain. _They’re my friends._

“I know you don’t want to kill me,” Zack tells her softly, brushing her hair out of her face. Her skin is clammy, but his touch calms her down. “It’s okay, Mai. I believe in you.”

 _In you_. The voice scoffs. _A dancer who tried to swallow the world. Pathetic._

“Don’t listen to it,” says Rat, kneeling down next to her. She jumps, startled. _How does he know—?_ “You’re more than whatever’s happening to you.”

Mai thinks she could cry. “Why are you—” Her voice is hoarse. “Why aren’t you scared?”

“Are you scared?” Rica asks her.

“All the time,” Mai whispers. “I am—I’m so scared—”

 _Gods don’t get scared_ , says the forest. _Only silly girls do._

.

“I’m not Helheim!” she yells. Both Kouta and Kaito go instantly quiet. “I’m not! I’m not like Sagara, I’m not, I’m not—”

“We know you’re not,” Kouta interrupts, reaching out for her. She shrinks away and he stops, hurt flashing across his face. “We know—that’s not what we’re saying. It’s just that… Yggdrasil, they think you’ve got it in you.”

“Of course she does,” Kaito mutters. “Where else would it be? She _ate the fruit_.”

Mai glares at him, tears stinging her eyes. “I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

Kaito looks at her and his face softens. “We’ll figure it out, Mai. We’ll get it out of you somehow—”

She shakes her head. “You can’t. You can’t, I’ve tried.” God, how she’s tried. Lying awake at night, trying to vomit up the vines, to scratch them out from under her skin, to cut through and carve them out of her body. “Nothing works.”

“ _Something_ will work,” Kaito insists. “Something has to. You can’t live like this forever.”

Mai turns away from him. The forest is shaking again. _Who dares make decisions for us? He’s nothing but a scared little boy grasping for any sort of power he can steal to make himself feel better—_

“Shut up!” she screams, covering her ears. _He’s not he’s not he’s better than that and so am I so are all of us we’re better than you we’re not—just—children—_

.

Micchy looks up at her, his knees on the paved stage they had once danced on. “I’m sorry.”

Mai stares down, her hands starting to shiver. “What are you doing?” she whispers.

“Apologizing.” Micchy meets her gaze and holds it. He’s so much braver now, a distant part of her mind thinks, a part that’s not horrified. “I’m sorry for everything I did to you—betraying you, betraying Kouta. Sending you to the forest. I’m the reason this all happened.”

 _Yes_ , purrs the forest at the same time that Mai thinks, vehemently, _No._

“Get up,” she tells him, voice shaking. “Get up—Micchy, you don’t have to—I forgive you—”

 _No, you don’t._ The vines curl around her, satisfied and smug. _This…this is how it should be. The weak groveling for forgiveness at the feet of their gods. On their knees for you. You don’t forgive him because he betrayed you. He’s the reason you died. You can’t forgive him for that._

“Yes, I can!”

Micchy jumps, startled. “What?”

Mai takes his arm and hauls him to his feet. His bones feel too fragile under her touch. “Don’t—don’t ever do that again. You’re not weak, Micchy. You’re my friend. I forgive you. Stand up, _please_.”

“I’m sorry,” he says again, blinking at her. “I thought—I thought it would help.”

She cradles her hands around her stomach and tries not to throw up. _It would have had me make you beg_ , she tries to say, but can’t bear to tell him. _It wants you to suffer but I don’t want you to suffer for me. I don’t want anyone to suffer for me._

“Look at me,” she says, and reaches up to take his face in her hands, angling him to look her directly in the eyes. “Look at me, Micchy. I’m your friend. You have to—you have to see me for that, or else—or else it’ll take over.”

“What will?” Micchy’s eyes are wide, like he doesn’t dare look away from her. “Helheim?”

“Yes,” she whispers. “It hates you all. It says—it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t _matter_. Just let me forgive you.”

“Okay,” Micchy says, and he’s shaking a little, too. “Okay, I—thank you. Mai, I—”

 “Promise me, Micchy,” Mai breathes. “Promise me you’ll learn to forgive yourself.”

The forest screeches in outrage. _You should be his goddess. You should be everyone’s god._

 _No_ , Mai battles it down, watching as Micchy nods slowly. _Not me. I’m their friend._

.

She sits next to Kaito at the shrine and offers him a flower. He looks at it but doesn’t take it, so she slips it into a buttonhole on his coat sleeve instead. It’s red, like the color he used to wear.

“Why’d you do it?” he asks her in a whisper, his voice low and hoarse. Nighttime falls into deep darkness around them. The stars are glittering tonight.

Mai curls her knees up to her chest and lays her head over them. “Eat the fruit?”

“Save us,” Kaito amends. “By destroying yourself.”

“I had to,” she says. “There was no other choice. I couldn’t let you die—either of you.”

 _You could have_ , argues the forest, but it sounds like Kaito now, so she shuts it off easily and focuses on him—the real him, alive and warm and at her side.

“You should have,” he murmurs. “I should’ve died—I’d rather have died than let you suffer this.”

“And what of us?” she asks. “Me and Kouta? Was I supposed to give him the fruit so we could live forever without you?”

“Yes.”

“ _No_.”

They look at each other, and then Mai breaks into a helpless fit of laughter. “God, look at us. Remember when we were kids and we would come here and I would dance and you would watch me in secret? It wasn’t even that long ago.”

“Feels like a million years,” Kaito sighs.

Mai looks up at the stars. The weight of the forest presses in on her chest again, threatening to collapse outward. She feels like a supernova just about to burn.

“Do you regret it?” he asks her after a moment of prolonged silence.

“Never,” Mai says, and the forest abates.


End file.
